I’d like to start this post with a quote-
“Hell is other people.” (Jean-Paul Sartre)
Unfortunately, this is true. How can I be so cynical
you ask? I am a waitress. That’s how. Generally I like people and serving is
not at all a difficult job. You talk to people and bring them food. Sounds
simple no? Wrong. People are what make this job hard.
Now listen, I am a good server, I know I am and I
have been told by multiple strangers that I am. That doesn't mean I like it,
it just means I know how to be attentive and nice while giving people what they
want quickly and accurately. Also, I don't hover over them expecting to start a
relationship either. I hate when a server tries to be buddy-buddy with me.
Like I know you're trying to get a good tip. You know how to get a
good tip? Learn how to leave people alone; they came here to eat, not be your
best friend. If you have more than half a brain, you can immediately tell who
is down to have a conversation with you or not. If you can't, then you shouldn't be serving or be around people for that matter.
Serving isn’t really about serving though, it’s about babysitting full grown adults while they
eat. Sometimes kids are involved. I am going to say something that may shock
the general public: Not one of any of the servers you have ever had likes their
job. We all collectively hate it. Let me repeat, your server hates their job.
Most likely. They may like you or your particular table, but the shit we deal
with makes this job an unbelievable hell.
Here is an organized list of some of things we
servers deal with in no particular order because they are all annoying:
The High Class
- This refers to the people who come in and think their shit don't stink because they drive a Lexus and are capable of running up a $100 tab. This also to refers to people who like to pretend they’re high class just because they are being served by someone else. I love when I walk up to a table and start my cheery greeting only to be cut off mid sentence and told to get them drinks. No hello, no eye contact, just a “yeah yeah get us some water.” Yes. People think this is acceptable. Oh hell no. I have actually been “shooed” away from a table with the flick of a very rude wrist. Do you know how hard it is to keep your cool in a situation like that?? But, instead of saying "listen you pretentious asshole, I am not a fucking slave. I am a human being” I smile and get them their drinks.
Old Misery
- Ah yes. The ancient couple that takes 20 minutes just to walk to their table just to sit and complain about everything. They are rude to you because not only do they automatically hate you, they hate the world. In their last 85 years on earth everything has changed and thrown them through a loop. They hate change and they are miserable for it. They are judgmental and if something isn't the way they want it to be, they flip. Too cold in the restaurant? My fault. No white bread? My fault. Their beer not on tap that day? My fault. Is it raining outside? My fault.
Comment Cards
- You see them everywhere. The little postcards we hand out in hopes that you will make our lives a little bit easier by saying we did a good job. Do people do this for us? No. What do they do on those cards? Complain. What do they complain about? EVERYTHING. Do they lie? Absolutely. Why? Because they want free shit next time. Like who the fuck are you? I literally do the best I can for each table while doing a million other things around the restaurant and these people complain about, what? Being greeted after 45 seconds, not 10? The people who fill them out so negatively are the worst types of people. Like you felt THAT strongly? Really. There is a special place in hell for you people. I have gotten 2 bad cards. And of course that’s all the managers see and then they’re up your ass as if you suddenly went brain dead. Do you know how many people I have served that said “thank you for your excellent service” or “you’re the best server we have had in a while, thank you.” I have lost count of those. Do they leave cards? No. One time a lady asked me to bring a manager over so she could tell him how excellent I was. That was a small victory in my book. For some reason people feel the need to indirectly bully servers sometimes. Why? To feel superior? I guess. Sometimes the things they complain about are literally out of our control but the customer is always right and we have to abide by that awful law at all times.
The Indecisive Table
- So I walk up to a table, say my greeting, come back with their drinks and ask “so are we ready to order or do you need a few minutes to decide?” and you know what they do? Well they start with: “oh um, are we ready hun?”..... “Oh I’m not sure, what should we get?” and then they carry on an entire conversation while I’m standing there like an idiot. The worst part is they somewhat include me in their discussion so I can't leave. Do you know what would solve this problem? Say oh yes we need more time. Just SAY IT. There's nothing wrong with it. I am serving you, remember? Say you need more time BECAUSE YOU ARE WASTING MINE. I have shit to do. Do you see that table over there waving their check presenter at me?? I have to go take care of that. Say the magic words and release me from this indecisive hell.
The Anti-Social table
- I love when a table comes in and you can just tell right away they are a miserable bunch. They just have that air about them. I walk over and greet them and what do I hear? ".................." NOTHING. Crickets. Alright, I'll just go fuck myself then? Um excuse me? Hey! Hi. I'm here. Acknowledge my existence. Why do people GO OUT to eat in a social environment to be COMPLETELY NON SOCIAL!? You do know you have to speak to me in order to get food correct? And I absolutely love when they continue to be mute when I ask questions (as nice as possible, mind you) that need direct answers. Like I can't read minds and if I could I wouldn't read yours because obviously nothing is going on in there.
The Child Circus table
- Here's to the family of five that comes in and three of them are between the ages of 6 and 10. The mom and dad are so visibly done with them that they just let them run around and do whatever the hell they want. UM ok. They definitely should not be pouring milk on the floor, coloring on the table and the menus or wrestling on the pool table. It’s also not fun to trip over them when I have a tray of hot food balancing on my hand while trying to navigate through a crowd of people. People who, for some reason, don’t know to move out of the way when a tray of food is coming at them. CONTROL YOUR KIDS. But seriously, make the effort as their parent to intervene so I can do my job and not get yelled at by my high class or miserable tables. Thank you. Also, could you leave me a nice comment card? I mean I did just make all three of your kid’s desserts and shepherd them from the game room back to the table for you. Thanks. And you're welcome.
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