Road Rage

I think I have road rage. Actually, you know what? I don't think that's the correct term. I am not an angry person. By any means. I am a lover...on rare occasions I'm a fighter....with words. Anyways my point is I absolutely DESPISE stupidity on the road. Any road. Does that count as road rage? I think it should be classified as more of an intolerance to douchbaggery than road rage. I always picture people with "road rage" waving a sawed off shotgun around or something. That's rage. I am not filled with rage, I just lack the patience to deal with people when they drive. If you have read my earlier posts, you will know that I believe bumper stickers and intelligence are inversely correlated. That's fancy talk for the more you have, the dumber you look/are. So I'm already judging people on the road as it is.

I haven't posted in awhile because recently I have been doing a lot of driving. I live in Narragansett and have been driving back and forth to Providence every day for the last two weeks, sometimes twice in one day because, for some reason, all of the sudden I have stuff to do. Fellow Rhode Islanders will say "holy shit that's a haul" while non Rhode Islanders will say "you're complaining about a one hour drive. really." Yes I'm complaining. When we were young, us Rhody folk were taught that anywhere in the state could be reached in an hour or less and an hour is really far away. Its sick really. But I see out of state kids get "Rhode Islandized" and driving any longer than 20 min becomes a hassle for them. "This place is 35 fucking minutes away??? AND Its over the bridge!?" I love it. Its always funny to me. Anyways, I've been on almost every road these past two weeks and I have discovered a few things about why Rhode Islanders are the worst drivers and why there is traffic in general. I can now dictate all of these things to you because my recent amount of driving in this tiny state has obviously made me a wizard of the road. Whatever. Shut up.

Rhode Island drivers are the worst for two main reasons:

1. Blinkers. Directionals. Blinking Arrows. Arms. Whatever directional you may have to use to turn is never used. USE YOUR FUCKING BLINKERS YOU ASSHATS. The amount of people who just throw themselves around without warning anyone is surreal. And then they have the audacity to look back at you like "what?"  Go die in a hole somewhere. No one can read your god damn mind about where you are going to place your two ton vehicle in the next 30 seconds. I don't use them all the time I admit. But on the highway?? My blinker is my beacon of light. "I'm coming OVER!"

2. Turning. Turning while accelerating. People make turns at negative 2 mph everywhere and anywhere. Why does everyone in this state turn slower than my grandmother? Seriously, just fucking GO. I am trying to use the road for its intended purpose, now MOVE. No one is coming please turn. Pedal to metal sweety and push that little shitbox in the direction you want to go in. The combination of those two while driving is deadly. You'll have a car sitting in the middle of an intersection trying to turn in god knows what direction, at a glacial pace. This is one of the reasons we have traffic.

The reason we have traffic is a combination of the above and two other simple reasons. I figured it out. Want to know what it is? It all boils down to: pride and nosey assclowns. People have no idea on how to mind their own damn business. Like if our necks were made out of rubber, can you imagine how many people would be tangled at the scene of an accident? Holy hell it would be worse than the actual accident; Just a giant pile of tangled spaghetti necks. People see police lights, cars on the side of the road or trash fluttering over lanes and they just slow down and stare like someone is handing out popcorn. Cars break and accidents happen. Stop making that unfortunate person feel worse than they already feel and move on unless you plan on helping or cleaning up trash. How would you feel if the entire highway was watching you? You'd feel uncomfortable you say? Hm. Weird. MOVE.

Now how are pride and traffic related you ask? Let me explain. Most people think they themselves are good drivers and that they generally do the right thing on the road. For example, lets say we have someone driving the speed limit in the fast lane, on the highway. That's the right thing to do, to them. Then someone comes up behind them trying to pass them. The first person sees them and is like "look at this asshole riding me! I am NOT moving!" ................. Ummmm what the flying fuck? WHY NOT!? MOVE!! That person is not trying to personally attack you, they just want to drive faster than you are. Fucking move and let them pass. This behavior literally drives me insane. (Pun intended?)

This simple refusal to move is what causes everyone to slam on their breaks and then: traffic. I have seen this scenario play out almost every day. I finally get out from behind a clusterfuck of turtle cars and the mother tortoise is leading the pack. And I'm always just like really? You're the reason for all of this? Like there will be a line of cars, and who's in the front? A dinky little half truck going just barely the speed limit. Like listen buddy, that thing can barely pull 40, you're in the wrong lane.

People hate being passed on the highway. I feel like its like a hit to some people's ego. I admit it though, a few people will go around me and I'll just be like "WELL FINE" but I move. I feel like some people are just like "NO! You have to drive the way I drive!" Especially old people. The senile ones who should have had their license revoked in 1965. Um, newsflash, not everyone drives the same. Out of my way Moses, I'll part the cars myself.

This overactive pride that occurs on the road is what causes people to abandon all common sense. Like why would anyone drive the exact speed limit or below in the fast lane? That lane is for the crazy assholes who want to drive 10 to 15 minimum over. Everyone knows this, its an unofficial rule of the road. You cant get mad when someone wants to pass you in that lane because someone will always be driving faster than you. Let them drive that way just move over then resume your position if you want. I feel like some people just want to "teach people a lesson" and "drive the way they're supposed to" by blocking them in certain lanes.  Why? This causes overflow to the slower lanes. How about you mind your own business?

I'm kind of a speed demon, I can't help it. But I'm smart about it most of the time. I speed where I know I can and I'll move over for people. Especially those who are going 15mph more than my 10 over because that's just crazy. I hate when someone is so far up my ass I feel like we're riding together. That's not fun for anyone so I move out of the way. My initial reaction may be "Holy shit I'm already doing 75 calm down" but I do them courtesy and move. My shitty piece of shit barely makes 75 without shaking so I literally have no choice but to move.

Anyways, my message is this, everyone get your head out of your ass and stop taking everything so personal on the road. I'm just trying to get somewhere, I'm probably late and you're in my way.