The Secret Life of your Waitress: Part II

Quick recap from part I : Hell is other people.

Now lets talk about money.

Well before I get to money, I’d like to make yet another shocking announcement concerning the serving community. We servers are actors. Professional actors. I deserve a damn academy award for the fake happiness I am able to pull out of my ass to random strangers, especially the people who treat me like dirt. I am so good at it that after I say my little speech to my table, I usually walk away in disgust at myself. The inner turmoil I endure is hilarious and I usually just laugh at myself. It usually goes something like “wow you’re such a lame ass” or “I’m such a fake fucking assclown.” Is that a form of self-loathing? Probably. But we all do it. It’s all an act; the memorization, the pronunciation, the speech about our specials and beer yadda yadda yadda. We are acting because we are usually poor bastards and we need money. If we didn’t need quick money, we wouldn’t be serving. See how this works?

Another confession. Servers are professional creeps. Spies is what we really, truly are. Why? Because we creep around the restaurant while pretending to do meaningless tasks, when in reality, we’re actually watching you like a hawk. How do you think we time the food out right? How do you think we know to bring you a new drink? Because we are watching you. We are hiding behind things, we walk by and clear other tables, but really we’re just creeping on you. And if it’s not us, we ask a different server to creep by and actually look at you to give us an update. Creeps. The CIA and FBI should hire more servers.

NOW we talk about money. And tipping. Which isn’t a town in China (lol). I wish I could actually have that statement tattooed on my forehead or on a blinking marquee behind me as I serve tables. Lets talk about tipping etiquette for a minute.

How much?
As servers, we put in a lot of effort to make sure our guests are happy (acting, creeping). Why then would you tip anyone less than 20% unless they are absolutely terrible?? Hey! General public! We only make 2.89 an hour and that’s been the serving wage since about 1200 BC. Help us out huh?

With what?
Now this should be an obvious answer: Cash or a nice number on the tip line of your credit card slip. NOT a handful of change, NOT coupons, NOT losing scratch tickets and definitely NOT foreign currency. Yup. Foreign money. A friend of mine got tipped with foreign money. Um excuse me, but what the fuck am I supposed to with that? This is no good here. This is AMERICA. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what the hell American money is or that you’re supposed to tip your server. Now listen. I’ve studied abroad in Europe. And before we got there we were briefed on proper social etiquette, one of which was about tipping. Servers over there make full wage with benefits therefore you don’t have to tip them unless they are extraordinary. Which they won’t be. They’re already getting paid so they don’t have to give a fuck about you. A server threw sugar packets at me once. I asked for them, but still. My point is we are taught your customs, why don't you abide by ours? Rude.

When?
Always tip your server. Sometimes things just don’t go our way and things come out slow or wrong and we always have to take the blame. Sometimes we mess up though. We are human don’t forget, and we get busy and forget things. But what the fuck am I, a machine?? I am a human being. If I fix the mistake or make sure you are comfortable then tip me!! Doesn’t happen. We all get those tables, when one thing is wrong, then they might as well have stamped “degenerate” on your ass because they already wrote you off as an annoyance for the rest of your interaction together. For the servers that truly make the effort, put a smile on our faces and tip us. Please?

How much ??
Yes, I made this point earlier, but it needs to be made again: Equal to or greater than 20% or bust. I feel like some people don’t understand how to tip. 20% says great job thanks! 15% says decent but you don’t deserve that extra few dollars. 10% says, here ya go now go fuck yourself and 5% is just laughable. Since I'm a good server, I usually make the 20% mark. But there are the nights when the universe sends you crap, and not just to you, but all the servers are pulling in 15% or less. It’s literally something in the air sometimes. And then there’s the conundrum tables that throw you through a loop. The ones who are so nice and you think you have it in the bag and BOOM 10% or the table that doesn’t speak but gives you 25%. It’s a toss up and 50% of the time you guess wrong.

Now that I've explained the money situation, lets talk about some more scenarios I don't get paid nearly enough to deal with.

Thermostat Police

Beware. They’re old and they wield their age like a weapon. Oh poor little old me. Bullshit. They know they can milk the “respect your elders” act. Oh and they do it for sure, I see and hear all. I'm a spy remember? Hey newsflash: The world doesn’t revolve around only your comfort and satisfaction. When its 70 in the restaurant and the old bats constantly complain that “its freezing, its always so cold in here” then I reluctantly tell the manager and we crank up the heat. Soon the place is scorching hot to everyone but them. What the fuck? Not everyone likes to eat in 95 degree heat. Actually NO ONE likes when it’s that hot inside. Stop complaining every five seconds! Go move to Florida with the rest of your senile friends and stop making everyone else uncomfortable. Thanks for the handful of change. Selfish.

Separate Checks

Here’s to the frat boys, sorority barbies and anyone else who asks for 27 separate checks after I ring in everything. Everything being 56 different drinks, meals and appetizers. Thanks. Now I have to remember and separate a bunch of shit I didn’t realize I had to individually memorize and assign to each person. Also, thanks for significantly lessening my tip by splitting everything as I cater to your now individual needs.

Pens

Pens = Gold. Simple as that. When you have no pens and  have to drop a check, a minor panic attack occurs. Its like a never-ending scavenger hunt hence why I carry like 8 pens in my apron but for some reason pens still disappear. Why?? Do you have an emergency writing assignment? What will you do with that pen except forget about it as soon as you throw it in your backseat after you leave?? WE buy those with OUR tips to give you a quality writing experience. At least I do anyways. Mine write nice, because I hate shitty pens. I have weird compulsive habits. Anyways, we already steal from each other so don’t steal our pens.

Lingerers
 I don’t even know if that is proper terminology of if its even a word but that’s what I call people who sit and take up space. For hours. They pay and then sit for an unnecessary amount of time, taking up space as other tables sit in different sections. It’s literally like watching money walk away from you when you have lingerers. At least have a drink or something COME ON. I had a table of 15 which I was excited for because I thought I would at least make some money. Nope. They sat and had a lecture in my entire section while 3 of them ate and the rest of them had water. Water is the worst beverage to a server. I feel bad when I myself order water while I'm out. Anyways, these people had a real life lecture with pamphlets AND they asked to borrow my pens. Um, hello? That's a little inconsiderate? Seeing that I am working here because I need to make money. Go to the library or something, not a place with people designated to serve you for money. Apparently common decency or consideration no longer exists.

In conclusion, I have come full circle in my argument that hell is other people and will cease to complain about it after this. But there is no truer statement in the world to a server. We stand together in an unofficial brotherhood of souls who keep each other up while searching for the next step. Stay strong my people.