Guess Who's Back

Back Again, Alexa's Back, Tell a friend!

(obviously that's me singing Eminem.  For those of you who know me well- sorry.)


Alright so I'm back, I'm glad we got this out of the way. I want to apologize for not posting. I have slacked off hard and for the last handful of months, this blog has sat on the back-burner of my mind. I would think about it and say "I should really blog something" but I just never got around to it. I've had experiences and thoughts that I've wanted to share but I never had the time to collect and organize them into something worth reading. These blog posts take me a lot of time, you know. I write them. Then I re-read and edit them. Then I let it sit in blog limbo for a day before I decide its good enough for someone other than me to read. Then I post them. Then I re-read it 10 more times and make grammatical changes because I despise poor spelling and grammar (if you're over 15 and don't know the difference between: there, their and they're, I hate you just leave). Then I re-read it again and make subtle changes here and there so they're (see what I did there?) funnier and more entertaining. Then I wait and see how many people agree with me. I'm crazy, I know but I'm a perfectionist with ADD, what can I say??

For awhile I was doing pretty good too; I got up to over 1300 page views in over a few weeks (That's pretty good for a random new blog in the middle of the Internet) - then life kicked in after my last posting and all this crazy shit happened to me and I had to deal with psycho roommates, having no job, having no roommates, having too many roommates, having too many dogs, almost getting kicked out of my apartment, looking for new apartments, looking for new roommates, looking for jobs, boyfriends, my car finally shitting the bed and being car-less etc. etc. etc.

I could go on, but I'll get more in depth with that in future posts because you literally cannot make up the shit I dealt with. However, things are on the rise and I'm ready to vent. And, if you're still a loyal fan even after such a long hiatus, you know that I love a nice. long. rant. Ooo I can feel it now all bubbling up, just give me some time to put my thoughts together and I promise to post a new blog every week. My goal this year is better myself. I want to start writing more so I can gain more confidence in myself. I also want to be able to articulate my thoughts better, because I learned that I have a lot of good ideas, they just get stuck in my head sometimes. My downfall is that I'm actually just shy so writing helps me expose myself a little more. So I'm asking for help, if you like this blog or what I have to say and you notice that I start to slack on my postings- remind me to get my tail into gear on the next posting.

I'll be seeing you,
-A (relax PLL fans)

Boston Strong

"When Gotham needs a hero, they look to Batman. When Boston needs a hero, they look to the person standing next to them"


I need to write a quick post about how fucking awesome Boston is. I didn't want to write anything in the last week because I didn't want to say anything out of anger and offend anyone by possibly being insensitive. So I waited until to now to just say how proud I am of Boston. And this country. What happened at the marathon was so terrible and awful and horrible. I can't even fathom how someone could drop a bomb and take life so easily. I could go on and on with words that equal devastating but Boston came together and caught the fucking scum bag and I couldn't be more proud of that city. We lost some beautiful souls but may they forever rest in peace in the heart of the city. The way people banded together in the face of tragedy to help one another in the midst of a bombing is surreal. The people of Boston have an unreal amount of guts and so much heart that I swell with pride just to live near the city never mind actually in it. People continued to run after the marathon to immediately donate blood. BPD and other marathon runners ran toward the explosions to help. Jeff Bauman lost both his legs in the horrific explosion and he was the one to identify the lowlifes who did it. Unbelievable. Amazing. I could go on because there are so many more heroes who threw others out of the way, who helped other people up after falling, who carried people to safety. I get chills hearing about someone who risked it all to help a complete stranger. There are so many heroes and the support from within the city and from other major cities in the country is amazing. I am so proud just to be a fan of the Boston sports teams just to have any type of connection to the city.  I have seen Boston dedications on every newspaper, magazine, sports game, news station and TV show and almost every single one has brought me to tears. The city itself has risen to the occasion and showed the world, that even in the face of absolute horror, it still can stand strong. Thank you to all the police and federal agents and citizens who contributed and risked their lives. You are what makes the heart of Boston so strong.

Road Rage

I think I have road rage. Actually, you know what? I don't think that's the correct term. I am not an angry person. By any means. I am a lover...on rare occasions I'm a fighter....with words. Anyways my point is I absolutely DESPISE stupidity on the road. Any road. Does that count as road rage? I think it should be classified as more of an intolerance to douchbaggery than road rage. I always picture people with "road rage" waving a sawed off shotgun around or something. That's rage. I am not filled with rage, I just lack the patience to deal with people when they drive. If you have read my earlier posts, you will know that I believe bumper stickers and intelligence are inversely correlated. That's fancy talk for the more you have, the dumber you look/are. So I'm already judging people on the road as it is.

I haven't posted in awhile because recently I have been doing a lot of driving. I live in Narragansett and have been driving back and forth to Providence every day for the last two weeks, sometimes twice in one day because, for some reason, all of the sudden I have stuff to do. Fellow Rhode Islanders will say "holy shit that's a haul" while non Rhode Islanders will say "you're complaining about a one hour drive. really." Yes I'm complaining. When we were young, us Rhody folk were taught that anywhere in the state could be reached in an hour or less and an hour is really far away. Its sick really. But I see out of state kids get "Rhode Islandized" and driving any longer than 20 min becomes a hassle for them. "This place is 35 fucking minutes away??? AND Its over the bridge!?" I love it. Its always funny to me. Anyways, I've been on almost every road these past two weeks and I have discovered a few things about why Rhode Islanders are the worst drivers and why there is traffic in general. I can now dictate all of these things to you because my recent amount of driving in this tiny state has obviously made me a wizard of the road. Whatever. Shut up.

Rhode Island drivers are the worst for two main reasons:

1. Blinkers. Directionals. Blinking Arrows. Arms. Whatever directional you may have to use to turn is never used. USE YOUR FUCKING BLINKERS YOU ASSHATS. The amount of people who just throw themselves around without warning anyone is surreal. And then they have the audacity to look back at you like "what?"  Go die in a hole somewhere. No one can read your god damn mind about where you are going to place your two ton vehicle in the next 30 seconds. I don't use them all the time I admit. But on the highway?? My blinker is my beacon of light. "I'm coming OVER!"

2. Turning. Turning while accelerating. People make turns at negative 2 mph everywhere and anywhere. Why does everyone in this state turn slower than my grandmother? Seriously, just fucking GO. I am trying to use the road for its intended purpose, now MOVE. No one is coming please turn. Pedal to metal sweety and push that little shitbox in the direction you want to go in. The combination of those two while driving is deadly. You'll have a car sitting in the middle of an intersection trying to turn in god knows what direction, at a glacial pace. This is one of the reasons we have traffic.

The reason we have traffic is a combination of the above and two other simple reasons. I figured it out. Want to know what it is? It all boils down to: pride and nosey assclowns. People have no idea on how to mind their own damn business. Like if our necks were made out of rubber, can you imagine how many people would be tangled at the scene of an accident? Holy hell it would be worse than the actual accident; Just a giant pile of tangled spaghetti necks. People see police lights, cars on the side of the road or trash fluttering over lanes and they just slow down and stare like someone is handing out popcorn. Cars break and accidents happen. Stop making that unfortunate person feel worse than they already feel and move on unless you plan on helping or cleaning up trash. How would you feel if the entire highway was watching you? You'd feel uncomfortable you say? Hm. Weird. MOVE.

Now how are pride and traffic related you ask? Let me explain. Most people think they themselves are good drivers and that they generally do the right thing on the road. For example, lets say we have someone driving the speed limit in the fast lane, on the highway. That's the right thing to do, to them. Then someone comes up behind them trying to pass them. The first person sees them and is like "look at this asshole riding me! I am NOT moving!" ................. Ummmm what the flying fuck? WHY NOT!? MOVE!! That person is not trying to personally attack you, they just want to drive faster than you are. Fucking move and let them pass. This behavior literally drives me insane. (Pun intended?)

This simple refusal to move is what causes everyone to slam on their breaks and then: traffic. I have seen this scenario play out almost every day. I finally get out from behind a clusterfuck of turtle cars and the mother tortoise is leading the pack. And I'm always just like really? You're the reason for all of this? Like there will be a line of cars, and who's in the front? A dinky little half truck going just barely the speed limit. Like listen buddy, that thing can barely pull 40, you're in the wrong lane.

People hate being passed on the highway. I feel like its like a hit to some people's ego. I admit it though, a few people will go around me and I'll just be like "WELL FINE" but I move. I feel like some people are just like "NO! You have to drive the way I drive!" Especially old people. The senile ones who should have had their license revoked in 1965. Um, newsflash, not everyone drives the same. Out of my way Moses, I'll part the cars myself.

This overactive pride that occurs on the road is what causes people to abandon all common sense. Like why would anyone drive the exact speed limit or below in the fast lane? That lane is for the crazy assholes who want to drive 10 to 15 minimum over. Everyone knows this, its an unofficial rule of the road. You cant get mad when someone wants to pass you in that lane because someone will always be driving faster than you. Let them drive that way just move over then resume your position if you want. I feel like some people just want to "teach people a lesson" and "drive the way they're supposed to" by blocking them in certain lanes.  Why? This causes overflow to the slower lanes. How about you mind your own business?

I'm kind of a speed demon, I can't help it. But I'm smart about it most of the time. I speed where I know I can and I'll move over for people. Especially those who are going 15mph more than my 10 over because that's just crazy. I hate when someone is so far up my ass I feel like we're riding together. That's not fun for anyone so I move out of the way. My initial reaction may be "Holy shit I'm already doing 75 calm down" but I do them courtesy and move. My shitty piece of shit barely makes 75 without shaking so I literally have no choice but to move.

Anyways, my message is this, everyone get your head out of your ass and stop taking everything so personal on the road. I'm just trying to get somewhere, I'm probably late and you're in my way.

The Secret Life of your Waitress: Part II

Quick recap from part I : Hell is other people.

Now lets talk about money.

Well before I get to money, I’d like to make yet another shocking announcement concerning the serving community. We servers are actors. Professional actors. I deserve a damn academy award for the fake happiness I am able to pull out of my ass to random strangers, especially the people who treat me like dirt. I am so good at it that after I say my little speech to my table, I usually walk away in disgust at myself. The inner turmoil I endure is hilarious and I usually just laugh at myself. It usually goes something like “wow you’re such a lame ass” or “I’m such a fake fucking assclown.” Is that a form of self-loathing? Probably. But we all do it. It’s all an act; the memorization, the pronunciation, the speech about our specials and beer yadda yadda yadda. We are acting because we are usually poor bastards and we need money. If we didn’t need quick money, we wouldn’t be serving. See how this works?

Another confession. Servers are professional creeps. Spies is what we really, truly are. Why? Because we creep around the restaurant while pretending to do meaningless tasks, when in reality, we’re actually watching you like a hawk. How do you think we time the food out right? How do you think we know to bring you a new drink? Because we are watching you. We are hiding behind things, we walk by and clear other tables, but really we’re just creeping on you. And if it’s not us, we ask a different server to creep by and actually look at you to give us an update. Creeps. The CIA and FBI should hire more servers.

NOW we talk about money. And tipping. Which isn’t a town in China (lol). I wish I could actually have that statement tattooed on my forehead or on a blinking marquee behind me as I serve tables. Lets talk about tipping etiquette for a minute.

How much?
As servers, we put in a lot of effort to make sure our guests are happy (acting, creeping). Why then would you tip anyone less than 20% unless they are absolutely terrible?? Hey! General public! We only make 2.89 an hour and that’s been the serving wage since about 1200 BC. Help us out huh?

With what?
Now this should be an obvious answer: Cash or a nice number on the tip line of your credit card slip. NOT a handful of change, NOT coupons, NOT losing scratch tickets and definitely NOT foreign currency. Yup. Foreign money. A friend of mine got tipped with foreign money. Um excuse me, but what the fuck am I supposed to with that? This is no good here. This is AMERICA. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what the hell American money is or that you’re supposed to tip your server. Now listen. I’ve studied abroad in Europe. And before we got there we were briefed on proper social etiquette, one of which was about tipping. Servers over there make full wage with benefits therefore you don’t have to tip them unless they are extraordinary. Which they won’t be. They’re already getting paid so they don’t have to give a fuck about you. A server threw sugar packets at me once. I asked for them, but still. My point is we are taught your customs, why don't you abide by ours? Rude.

When?
Always tip your server. Sometimes things just don’t go our way and things come out slow or wrong and we always have to take the blame. Sometimes we mess up though. We are human don’t forget, and we get busy and forget things. But what the fuck am I, a machine?? I am a human being. If I fix the mistake or make sure you are comfortable then tip me!! Doesn’t happen. We all get those tables, when one thing is wrong, then they might as well have stamped “degenerate” on your ass because they already wrote you off as an annoyance for the rest of your interaction together. For the servers that truly make the effort, put a smile on our faces and tip us. Please?

How much ??
Yes, I made this point earlier, but it needs to be made again: Equal to or greater than 20% or bust. I feel like some people don’t understand how to tip. 20% says great job thanks! 15% says decent but you don’t deserve that extra few dollars. 10% says, here ya go now go fuck yourself and 5% is just laughable. Since I'm a good server, I usually make the 20% mark. But there are the nights when the universe sends you crap, and not just to you, but all the servers are pulling in 15% or less. It’s literally something in the air sometimes. And then there’s the conundrum tables that throw you through a loop. The ones who are so nice and you think you have it in the bag and BOOM 10% or the table that doesn’t speak but gives you 25%. It’s a toss up and 50% of the time you guess wrong.

Now that I've explained the money situation, lets talk about some more scenarios I don't get paid nearly enough to deal with.

Thermostat Police

Beware. They’re old and they wield their age like a weapon. Oh poor little old me. Bullshit. They know they can milk the “respect your elders” act. Oh and they do it for sure, I see and hear all. I'm a spy remember? Hey newsflash: The world doesn’t revolve around only your comfort and satisfaction. When its 70 in the restaurant and the old bats constantly complain that “its freezing, its always so cold in here” then I reluctantly tell the manager and we crank up the heat. Soon the place is scorching hot to everyone but them. What the fuck? Not everyone likes to eat in 95 degree heat. Actually NO ONE likes when it’s that hot inside. Stop complaining every five seconds! Go move to Florida with the rest of your senile friends and stop making everyone else uncomfortable. Thanks for the handful of change. Selfish.

Separate Checks

Here’s to the frat boys, sorority barbies and anyone else who asks for 27 separate checks after I ring in everything. Everything being 56 different drinks, meals and appetizers. Thanks. Now I have to remember and separate a bunch of shit I didn’t realize I had to individually memorize and assign to each person. Also, thanks for significantly lessening my tip by splitting everything as I cater to your now individual needs.

Pens

Pens = Gold. Simple as that. When you have no pens and  have to drop a check, a minor panic attack occurs. Its like a never-ending scavenger hunt hence why I carry like 8 pens in my apron but for some reason pens still disappear. Why?? Do you have an emergency writing assignment? What will you do with that pen except forget about it as soon as you throw it in your backseat after you leave?? WE buy those with OUR tips to give you a quality writing experience. At least I do anyways. Mine write nice, because I hate shitty pens. I have weird compulsive habits. Anyways, we already steal from each other so don’t steal our pens.

Lingerers
 I don’t even know if that is proper terminology of if its even a word but that’s what I call people who sit and take up space. For hours. They pay and then sit for an unnecessary amount of time, taking up space as other tables sit in different sections. It’s literally like watching money walk away from you when you have lingerers. At least have a drink or something COME ON. I had a table of 15 which I was excited for because I thought I would at least make some money. Nope. They sat and had a lecture in my entire section while 3 of them ate and the rest of them had water. Water is the worst beverage to a server. I feel bad when I myself order water while I'm out. Anyways, these people had a real life lecture with pamphlets AND they asked to borrow my pens. Um, hello? That's a little inconsiderate? Seeing that I am working here because I need to make money. Go to the library or something, not a place with people designated to serve you for money. Apparently common decency or consideration no longer exists.

In conclusion, I have come full circle in my argument that hell is other people and will cease to complain about it after this. But there is no truer statement in the world to a server. We stand together in an unofficial brotherhood of souls who keep each other up while searching for the next step. Stay strong my people.

America's Sweetheart

The much anticipated "Secret life of your waitress Part II" is in the works, so for right now you can deal with this mini rant that I have to get off my chest.

So the title of this particular blog is "America's Sweetheart" and I bet you're wondering "who is she talking about" ...."where the hell is this post going" or "I don't want to read this BS." I may actually lose a lot of support for this one but I don't care. I know there are others out there who feel the same. I am referring to the ever so omnipresent Taylor Swift.  If you like her, leave now. Sorry. But I don't want whiny bitches complaining to me about how Taylor Swift is "so inspirational" and "such a good role model" and how "shes so perfect."

.....UGH!

She is not really any of those things. For grown ups anyways. Let me explain. If you like T Swift and you're still here but about to 'X' out of this post, hear me out for a hot second. If this country would just look past her long blonde hair and conservative sundresses, they would see her for what she really is: a naive and immature little girl who has the mentality of a freshman in high school. I am literally so confused as to why girls my age idolize her. She is fine for the younger girls I guess but, twenty-somethings??

The girl has gone through about 14 different boyfriends in the last two years and every song is about the same exact thing: how they left her, or hurt her, how she should've known and now she's either all alone, or stronger for it. Well, obviously not Taylor. Obviously, you either keep making the same mistakes because you're either 1. dumb or 2. you're doing it on purpose. I firmly believe she is doing it on purpose. This whole "innocent girl" thing she has going on is just an act. She has even admitted to using guys for material. Uh Hello? That's not a nice girl. Let the kiddies love her and leave Adele to the soulful heartbreak songs because they're the same age except Adele is 1000x more eloquent with her words.

You want to know who Taylor Swift really is? She is that annoying girl in high school that starts dating someone and two days later she posts how much she looooooves them all over Facebook. A "Stage 5 Clinger" if you will. The guys date her because shes cute, then soon after they're like "woa you're actually crazy" and they jet. This has literally been the pattern that her life follows. This pattern is so consistent. Too consistent. That's fine, let her do whatever she wants. It's her life and I won't judge her for her choices.

My confusion comes from the older girls who like her. Why? Are you blind? Why are we idolizing this immature behavior? I'm frustrated. Aren't women fighting for equality here? We can't be taken seriously when we sing lyrics like "all you'll ever be is mean." Really Swifty? You went with "mean" ? There are literally 1000 other words in the English language that could have made you sound a little more mature and intelligent and you went with 'mean'? Alright..........Back to middle school I guess.

I don't hate Taylor Swift. By any means (lie). The girl is rolling in the dough and I applaud her actually. She is recycling the same BS over and over again and it works for her so I can't really even complain. But I am. And hell, I'll sing her stupid song "trouble trouble" or whatever it is, when its on. But that's only because its catchy and sneaks into my brain uninvited.

My point is this: I don't like what her image is doing to my generation especially the younger ones as well. Stop idolizing a weak female image. I'm over it! Maybe you should stop handing your heart out like candy while still expecting people to respect you...maybe? What happened to the strong female role models that told guys to screw if they messed with you? Remember Aretha? She demanded R. E. S. P. E. C. T. Where are those girls? Where are all my independent women?